Maskless and Exposed
I remember early in my mast cell disease diagnosis learning from fellow patients in my community that masks are the easiest way to protect us when we are going to be exposed to a trigger. After extensive research my Mom purchased them for us both and I remember putting the mask in my drawer thinking that I would never wear it. Instead I opted to run past my triggers holding my breath and shoving past anyone in my way until I could safely take a breath again. Wearing the mask exposed me. - showing the world I was in fact sick and it felt like I was giving into my diseases.
During the year before COVID I slowly became forced to give in. I started to wear my masks when it meant I could go somewhere and not have to miss out. I would wear it in theaters, in many stores and sometimes even outside when the pollen was high. And when I finally got up the courage for our great big Disney trip my masks allowed me to go on rides and in restaurants I never would have been able to otherwise handle. Yes, people did stare at me but in time I stopped caring. I realized that using masks did not have to be a sign of weakness but instead wearing them was just another part of finding ways to live my version of normal.
In a million years I never would have predicted that the entire world would be wearing masks to stay safe in a global pandemic. No longer are masks a sign of weakness but of survival. In fact, as rules change for many giving up this safeguard has been harder than anticipated. In my mask I feel safe, I feel like no one or no virus can harm me. But as vaccination rates have gone up, positivity rates have gone down and mask rules have lessened I have struggled to know how to move forward but still knowing I must.
In the last week I have forced myself to take off my mask around vaccinated family and friends knowing I can't forever hide behind it. I have been reminded of how much more meaningful interactions are when we can see each other's smile and talk without barriers on our faces. And while scary it also feels freeing in so many ways - a sign of "normal" life returning.
At my Son's baseball game today we were allowed to go maskless. But what I didn't anticipate was suddenly encountering many of my triggers- smoke from grills in the park, bug spray being applied and yes even the pollen blowing in the wind. I realized I hadn't smelled these smells in months and for the first time in over a year my rare normal came crashing back to me. I had temporarily forgotten how vulnerable I feel when I leave my safe space. How at any turn or blow of the wind I may encounter something that may make me react. And I was reminded that while the end of this pandemic may be in sight my chronic diseases are not leaving with it and neither are my masks.
As I was speaking to friends at the game a strong scent of bug spray hit my nose. I immediately tried to locate where it came from while moving away until I could no longer smell it. I quickly swallowed medicine to keep any reaction away and very happily replaced my mask back on my face, taking a deep breath and feeling grateful to know I was safe again.
