Slow and Steady
As our son was getting ready to walk out the door to his first day of fourth grade this week he paused and said, "wait, do I need a mask?" "Nope!" I said as he smiled widely. For the first time since March of his Kindergarten year he was walking into school without one. This realization was crazy to think about. COVID has defined the first 3.5 years of Elementary school. We have lived in this pandemic state for so long it has been strange for all of us to re-enter life maskless and exposed as if we are forgetting something when we go inside without one. I know this gift of post-covid immunity won't last forever and I am sure I will have a mental breakdown trying to navigate what our "new normal" will become once it wanes but for now we are all enjoying a break from the anxiety and masking of the last 3.5 years.
That said, my recovery has been slow. The first two weeks were a blur as I worked through the acute symptoms and these last couple weeks have been challenging as I am figuring out how to get back to my pre-covid energy levels. I am used to slow healing processes but the back to school and post - Labor Day sprinting that happens is hard to keep pace with. I find myself physically and mentally exhausted by the end of the day to the point that I can barely speak. I feel weird when people ask how I am and I still can't say feeling my version of normal. It feels like by now I should say I am better.
This week my husband said to me that I was never this tired even after my crazy seven meeting days before I had COVID. While I know he is right it scares me to admit it. Right now it is hard not to feel a little defeated and concerned that I won't get back to where I once was- that all the strides forward have been taken away. I know it is too soon to declare this and each day I am making a little progress but it feels slow and tedious.
I suppose in an effort to feel like I am still moving forward, today I forced myself to try a new vitamin I need to take and have been afraid to try for over a year. It feels like right now I should do anything I can in my control to give myself a good shot of feeling better. Nothing like another larger fear motivating me to get over a different one. It was the first time I tried it and thus took a tiny tiny amount. As is always the case when I try something, my body notices but it was not in a dangerous way. Tomorrow I will take a smidge more and so on until hopefully in a week I can declare it a success. It is too soon to say this for sure but at the very least I am proud of myself for trying and for pushing back the fears I have had for so long. COVID may have zapped all my energy but it did not take away my determination to heal.
Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since my positive test and despite not being able to say I am better yet it is not lost on me that things could have been much worse so I am grateful for where I am. I am hoping as things settle down and we find our Fall routine I too will find my way back to my pre-covid self. For now though I will try to focus less on my negative thoughts and fears and more on the present and the joy and possibilities that this new season brings.
Fall has always been one of my favorite times of the year as the weather cools and a new fresh school year begins. There is so much hope for what is to come with so many new beginnings. And for us in this new season there is also an opportunity to live a little more freely, to worry less about covid. This means opportunities to connect more easily with friends and family, sharing in simple moments that we once took for granted, like having friends come inside our house and hosting holiday meals. We can say “yes!” more to plans and not feel like every decision has to be weighed so carefully. And as our son screamed “I never thought I would be happy to say I have had COVID,” when he realized he didn’t need a mask at school, I smiled knowing that he is right, there are many positives to having this behind us. To knowing that I can in fact survive it and while I am not fully healed I do know I will get there in time- slow and steady is always the way I reach my finish line.
