“The Light Always Returns”
I start most days by reading the "story of the day" from poet Kai Skye (formerly Brian Andreas) that arrives in my inbox each morning around 5:00 am. When my Mom was alive we would send the day's story to each other if we felt it had meaning or reminded us of someone or something. Since her passing I have similarly shared them with friends and family when they "speak" to me but mostly I rely on them to center me each morning by reminding me of something I am probably forgetting about myself or the world.
The story waiting for me a few days ago read:
“There is a perfectly still moment right before dawn when the sun gathers itself & then steps into the dark world & everything is so filled with light that any doubts from that long night are barely a memory. It is the way of all things that the night ends & the light returns. The light always returns.”
This is actually not a new story to me but I had forgotten it and in that moment as my bleary eyes read it I knew he was right. The light does return even when it has felt so dark and crazy these last few weeks. It has truly been a whirlwind of time, with so many highs and lows as is the season of life right now for so many. The month of December is a total blur between holiday preparations, flying solo for ten days while my husband traveled for work and regular trips to the city for my own job. This not counting of course medical happenings for our son, my own end of year appointments and rushing to get medications before insurance will stop covering them next year- glad I read that piece of mail! Add on the current world state of affairs and it is hard to know how to feel hopeful right now. And yet I know he is right even when it doesn’t feel bright right now his words remind me to be hopeful, “the light always returns.”
I can tell I am exhausted mentally and physically as I come off these very intense weeks at home and work. I have been in that "go" mode without pause for too long. My days feel like a ping pong game as I rapidly respond to emails and calls but they never stop coming at me and the to do lists pile high at home. It has felt like there are limited hours in a day that I am not needed by someone or something and that too can be exhausting to feel "on" at all times (something I know many can relate to). It has been so chaotic and stressful it is hard to remember this is not always how life looks, this phase of time will pass too, “the light always returns.”
Fast forward 15 hours on the same morning the story appeared in my inbox and I found myself at night going down a rabbit hole reading old correspondence with a professor I loved in a grad school class. I thought of her earlier that day and though we had not corresponded in a decade, I wondered how she was. This all led me to finding some of our email exchanges and in one of those exchanges I found my second lesson of the day. As background, she taught this amazing class on grief of all things. The course met for two full weekends instead of weekly. I had written to her to thank her for such a meaningful weekend and shared that I had left the two days feeling such calmness after our conversations. She wrote back to me, "The calm you feel is you..and will always be there for you...just waiting for your return!"
In that moment after I read those words to myself a few times I knew that somehow the universe through these emails was reminding me I can find that calmness and that light again. That I can stop moving so fast and take some deep breaths and be present and still and me. The light is there everyday, I am here everyday and that is powerful to remember. We can't control so many things but we can control ourselves and the lightness we can bring to our own lives and those around us. So as these final days of the year are upon us and as we look to a new year very soon I know I will be focused on returning to my calm within myself and giving myself time to slow down. I will remember that lightness can come in many forms and that collectively if we each share some of that with the world we can make it a better place- and I truly hope a kinder one.
What I did not know was that two days after reading these emails and just as we were about to set in on finding our calm and were so happy to have my brother visiting us, another curve ball would round out the week with an emergency for our son. Thankfully he is recovering well but it was a hard 24 hours and stressful for us all. But even through this we heeded these lessons- we found our calm- we laughed and played and got through it together. And of course the hard and dark moments of that day were soon replaced with the light of a new and better day because “the light always returns,” and how grateful I am for that.
