The Purest Love
Having always grown up with a dog it was no surprise that I dreamed of one day having my own. My husband, however, did not grow up with one so I spent the early years of our relationship discussing pet ownership and convincing him he would in fact love having one. As we made plans to move in together I promised him we would wait to add a furry addition so we could get used to sharing space. Let's just say that did not go quite as planned. We moved in together in July and in mid- September found ourselves driving to Maryland to pick up our new sweet 14 week old Maltese puppy- Bitsy. It was love at first sight and I suppose as they say, the rest is history.
Bitsy has been with us for all of our major life moments - the good and the bad- she walked down the aisle at our wedding, she was sitting next to me when my water broke, and licked my tears away as I cried endlessly when my Mom died. She barks every time our son wakes up in the middle of the night crying -beginning in his infancy- ensuring we tend to him and she doesn't leave my side when I am reacting or sick. In the early years in NYC she came with me everywhere in her carry bag including to work daily. Today she spends her days next to me as I work from home never letting me out of her sight.
Pets play a central role in the lives of all those who have them and for those in the rare disease community this is especially true. Rare diseases can be very isolating- spending so many days home and feeling unwell as the rest of the world lives freely around you but a pet provides comfort and companionship. I know for many in my rare disease community pets are some of the only living beings they are around day in and day out. Their presence and love is calming and healing and their playful and silly spirits bring laughter to our hardest days. I can’t count the number of times I have been home alone with Bitsy - starting to react and feeling scared - but being with her relaxes me-taking a moment to pet her distracting myself from whatever I am feeling puts me at ease.
In late May Bitsy began coughing and by the end of a weekend it became clear something was horribly wrong. It was close to midnight when my husband took her to the emergency hospital and she was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. As the emergency veterinarian told me their findings I let out a huge scream so hoping this would not be the news after having already lost a family dog to the same disease years earlier. Tears flowed knowing that she was no longer invincible like I had hoped and that our days were now limited. Her prognosis is months to a year but impossible to predict.
Bitsy spent the next three days in an oxygen cage as they stabilized her with medications before she came home with many new pills and instructions on how to count her breathing. Thankfully she has the very best care but it can't change that her disease will progress and one day the medications will not be effective. A month later -two days before her 13th Birthday another episode occurred. After two more days in oxygen and a medication switch she is again home. I am discouraged that in a month's time her disease already shows more progression and that we are using the "last resort" medication. The only comfort I have is knowing this disease is not painful for her.
After a recent checkup her cardiologist said, "all you can do is go home and enjoy her." His words stung as a lump in my throat formed and tears swelled knowing his words were true but still painful to admit. I am trying to enjoy every second with her- to hold and smush her as much as she will allow and make sure her days are filled with only love and lots of chicken. I try not to let my thoughts wander to what life will be without her because it is too painful to imagine. Only late at night or in quiet moments do I cry knowing my tears will upset her. But I notice subtle shifts in the last six weeks- she sits closer to me all day and at night likes to be touching. Being in my presence calms her just as me being in hers calms me. We won’t know how many more days we have together - but for now I am cherishing each second.
Loss always reminds me of how easy it is to lose something -just like that what was here is now gone. In a time when life on certain days feels endlessly busy and stressful this has re-centered me. I can't let days pass by right now without being mindful of all the little moments I know I will miss when she is gone. I remind myself daily to stay present and in gratitude.-to stop and cuddle often, to spoil and love her endlessly, to delight in all that makes her Bitsy and to be grateful for the light and joy she brings to our days and for the pure love she fills our home with. Because in the end I know these things are all that will ever matter.
“the days go by with so many little things that don’t seem to matter, until they are no longer there and suddenly they are all that ever mattered" ~Kai Sky formerly Brian Andreas
