Prioritizing Healing
I forgot about the emptiness that comes with grief. Suddenly in an instant there is a gaping hole in day to day life and there is nothing I can do to fix it. It’s been two weeks since our sweet Bitsy Shea passed away and life is quiet in our home, too quiet. It is hard to believe at only eight pounds she had such a presence and yet she did. She was an integral part of our family and brought pure joy to us daily. How lucky we were to have 13.5 years together.
The timing of her rapid decline was I suppose well placed though not expected. With surgery now in just 3 days I was sure she would leave us after I had healed but I realize now how much harder this would have been to do in recovery. Most importantly it was the right time for her and I take comfort in knowing she never suffered. That said, I forgot how hard grieving is on my body and I have certainly been riding a roller-coaster filled with emotions and reactions. In truth, I should have anticipated this and upped my medications to support me through these weeks.
Last Monday night the control I thought I had over everything was all lost as I spiraled into a full on reaction. Even at the time it took me a while to realize what was happening. The crying and sadness combined with ongoing surgery prep and stress bubbling up to the surface resulted in a monsoon of systems going haywire in me. Looking back now it was certainly my body sending me a message that I needed to pay attention to it, to stop and breathe and to be gentle with myself especially as I go into surgery and recovery.
Breathing has indeed been something I have been focused on the last three weeks after one of my physicians connected me to the most amazing opera singer who lives in Germany and works with EDS patients on the challenges I have around breathing and swallowing. I have been particularly nervous about the intubation and what it may exacerbate in my already overly sensitive throat. Committed to getting me up to speed for my recovery, my teacher suggested meeting three times a week over the last three weeks. I am still in awe of what I have already learned about my own body and have tremendous hope that as our work continues after my surgery I can make lasting changes. But I also know I am equipped with new tools and an awareness of how to make adjustments in my breath that will certainly be important in my recovery process.
What I did perhaps not anticipate also gaining was the ongoing needed reminders he has given me in both self-care and treating myself kindly. What a surprising gift it has been having him along for my current roller coaster ride of grief and anxiety. On Wednesday morning after sharing the details of my reaction and my current physical and emotional state he reminded me of the announcement any person who has ever flown on an airplane has heard before, "If you are traveling with a young child affix your oxygen mask before putting one on your child."
I have not stopped repeating this to myself since and in just that one statement he helped remind me the rest of the noise can wait but that right now my top priority is myself. If I do not prioritize myself in my healing process I will not get through it. In truth, it is rare for so many of us to put ourselves first- and it is certainly not my first instinct. In fact, I take great joy in being a caretaker to my family and friends, but this time is different. I must accept that I can't do everything I would normally do for any family or friend in those immediate weeks after surgery and that I have to instead lean on them to help me. I know it will feel weird and uncomfortable to not be helpful at home, to depend on family and friends and my husband in ways I don't normally like to, or to fully shut out work for a few weeks. In past recoveries I have had a hard time really letting go and giving into healing but I know this time it will be much worse if I do not.
This weekend I have spent my days cooking and organizing. Taking care of the things I can control feels safe and good before the unknown arrives. But I am ready to do this- my physician team is organized, my friends and family are already stepping up to help and I am ready to get the surgery behind me so I can move on to healthier days. And I know those await me if I prioritize my healing and listen to and give my body what it needs. I won’t take short cuts this time and I will always put my “oxygen mask on first.”
