Season of Loss

It has been one month since my surgery and I am well into my recovery. There have been ups and downs as expected but I am taking it all in stride as I begin to ease back into more normal life. But the last two months have felt especially hard.

It often feels like life moves in cycles. Cycles with many births and cycles with many deaths. Loss seems to be hanging in the air as seasons begin to shift.

I learned of a loss in the mast cell community, another in my own local community, the continued grief of losing Bitsy a few weeks ago, the start of year three of the pandemic, and of course the many feelings I know we all share as an incomprehensible war is underway taking innocent lives of all ages.

In my recovery I have had more space and time to think about these losses and the grief I know so many feel as a result. As a chronic disease patient I have over the years developed coping strategies to use as I lost more and more things because of my diseases - foods, medications, activities and the list goes on. But I still looked for the good on the harder days reminding myself that tomorrow always awaits and with it comes hope for better days and for healing that will bring back those losses.

But the loss of a life- that feels different - it is permanent - it feels hopeless and painful. And that is OK. We do not always have to rationalize the feelings away. Sometimes we need to just sit with those feelings, in order to move towards healing.

I remember when my Mom passed away and people searched for things to say to try to soften the blow and to make a positive out of her death- like saying "well her suffering ended." I honestly have never felt this way. I know my Mom did not suffer most days- she simply died because science had not caught up and practitioners did not know how to fix her anymore. I have never once felt grateful for anything about my Mom dying. And I have never tried.

I felt seen when people simply said they were “sorry” validating my feelings. Acknowledging it just sucked actually felt healing in its own way. Because unlike most others things-death is final- it can't be changed.

In a world where we are trained to solve problems and always strive for better this goes against it all. We can't bring back those we love - we can't fix the broken pieces of life that will never be put fully back together because only they hold those pieces. And yet, we still eventually have to move forward and find new ways of carrying them with us -of celebrating their lives by living better- finding joy and remembering to stay "In Gratitude” for having them in our life.

So in this harder moment in time, when some days life feels hopeless and filled with loss, and completely out of control, I remind us all to keep showing up for each other. Check in on a friend or neighbor, validate someones feelings and if need be simply say how sorry you are and that you are there if you need them. And be kind to yourself always but especially on the harder days knowing there is no right or wrong way to feel. And please remember that you are not alone and that while sometimes it is hard to be hopeful about our tomorrows because they may look different than we ever imagined - I know they will be brighter again.

“There is nothing I can say that will bring them back, all their bright futures spread before us. But I will stand here all the same with you, my heart broken open with yours and remember what we have lost.” ~Brian Andreas